Lee Jordan's Christmas Broadcast
by meldahlie
Summary: "...I was listening to the wireless on Christmas morning, and I heard... you." Apart from Hermione, what was it Ron heard that early Christmas morning in DH?


**Lee Jordan's Christmas Broadcast**

" _...I was listening to the wireless on Christmas morning, and I heard... you."_ Apart from Hermione, what was it Ron heard that early Christmas morning in DH?

~:~:~:~

… Number Twelve … Number Twelve … oh, come on, you stupid wireless! Password: Number Twelve, Number Twelve, Number Twelve–

" _ **Good Morning From PotterWatch! And it is a very good morning, because it is CHRISTMAS DAY! Now, we dare say that you have all, particularly the younger members of the audience, been well aware of this day approaching, but in case you haven't, please join us in taking this moment to spread festive greetings to all the folks around you –** (Merry Christmas, Rapier. Merry Christmas, River) **– or, if you are all by yourself this Yule-tide, up a tree or down a hole-"**_

Yeah. Right. What about freezing and starving in a tent?

" _ **-may we have the honour of being the ones to wish you a Very Merry Christmas!"**_

Merry Christmas? Merry Christmas? Can't I just _die...?_

" _ **...our first item today is from the Society for the Protection of Death Eaters, who report that these honourable citizens have been denied even Christmas Day off work. Regrettably, these gentlemen seem to have been concentrated around the Godric's Hollow area over night and into this morning. The government of course maintains radio … … thank you for the audio aid, Rapier; for those who haven't guessed, the missing word was 'silence' and it was induced using a Santa hat-"**_

Fred and Santa hats! Bet they're making Headless ones … Hermione'd think those were clever too … all I am is stupid! … now I'm missing bits! See, stupid?

" _ **...joking aside, non-government sources have confirmed the definite presence of Death Eaters. Potterwatch regular Royal is still in the area; the last we heard from him, there have been no injuries or fatalities reported as yet. However, we would urge all Potterwatch listeners in that part of the world to be aware and take extra precautions for their safety this morning."**_

Kingsley's still out there, being brave, you idiot!

" _ **...on a more cheerful topic, our regular feature 'Pals of Potter' is this morning presented by Rapier, as Romulus is away enjoying a long deserved Merry Christmas with his family. Over to you, Rapier."**_

Fred. I think. Or is it George? There you go. Too stupid to tell my own brothers apart. Oh, those jumpers that first Christmas at Hogwarts … Stupid, you are! Stupid!

" _ **Good morning folks! This feature would like to open by first wishing a Merry Christmas in person to each and every one of you tuned in this morning-"**_

Wouldn't be saying that if you knew who was listening. You'd be hexing me witless and wandless and eyebrow-less and turning everything I own into giant hairy spiders – and I'd still deserve worse!

" _ **...particularly, we send our good wishes to the man we're –** (I was going to say that!) **– all here in support of. Harry, if you're tuned in this morning, wherever you are we wish you and anyone with you-"**_

They think I'm still out there! Coward!

" _ **-a truly Merry Christmas, and in lieu of a hand-knitted jumper, we're all rooting for you."**_

Yeah, mate. And got to be the first Christmas I haven't had a jumper either. A nice maroon jumper … there you go! Selfish pig! Run home to Mummy and want jumpers!

" _ **...our thoughts and best wishes also go to each of those Potter Pals who are usually mentioned here, but the Pal of Potter we have reports of today is a rather more seasonal gentleman. Defying all Death Eater and Dementor efforts to crush out the spirit of good will and festive fun, this white-bearded old fellow in red hat and coat with fur trim has been reported up and down the country today, occasionally with reindeer but always with gifts. We have not been able to interview him personally, being unfortunately asleep at the time he paid a visit to yours truly's stocking, so we cannot give any insider information on what he may have left in Potter's stocking-"**_

Nothing, Fred. Nothing. I could have stuck that funny muggle coin he gave me that first Christmas in a sock for him. Still carry it about with me. Would have made him laugh. And a bunch of flowers for Hermione...

" _ **...but, we are sure his current undisclosed location will be on Santa's list. River, back to you."**_

Hermione will probably think of something. Always does, that girl. And they'll have half a crust each and few mushrooms for dinner, and I've got to sit with Bill and Fleur and try not to choke on all that fancy French cooking...

" _ **...thank you, Rapier. If anyone is curious, we have arranged a brief stocking shuffle session here in the studio, so, mine includes … Honeydukes chocolates with Firewhiskey … new socks … the electro-magi-connector piece I've been dropping hints about for weeks … and Bobbins Patent Easi-Voice Tonic, "**_ **For those who do a LOT of talking.** ** _" It is possible that is an apt description."_**

Right there, Lee. At least you don't put your foot in it every time you open your mouth... how'd you do it?

" _ **...River can say that again. And again. And again. He can also explain how a Patented day-dream charm has ended up in my stocking...** (good advertising, you idiot!) **...leading me to suspect the integrity of the Honeydukes hand-made chocolates wandering loose in there as well..."**_

Chocolates! Probably have kept that bloody Horcrux gloom off, if we'd had chocolates...

" _ **...and on that note, we'll leave Rapier rummaging and move on. Now, for those of you who are unable to pay a visit to St Mungo's this festive season, or just don't wish to spend your entire Christmas Day queuing to see a Healer whose one concern is to get home before the turkey gets cross waiting and sets the house on fire, we have a special Health article from a new contributor! Rapunzel is not with us today, but before she went home to her mother's for what we hope will be a Very Merry Christmas, she left us a list of Easy Healing Charms for Common Christmas Problems, all chosen based on a lifetime's experience of, er, needing them. So, all you harassed witches out there, quills at the ready!"**_

Rapunzel. That's got to be Tonks. What would she think of me? Or Professor Lupin? After Harry said all that-

He'd say it to me, too. Maybe I'll be lucky and choke to death on that Christmas dinner...

" _ **One: the runs! Now, we are not referring to the speed at which a sugar quill powered toddler can travel-"**_

Or a stupid idiot...

" _ **-nor to getting away fast should the security situation in your vicinity deteriorate nastily (everyone at a safe distance from their mother-in-law?) but to that nasty curse of the digestive system which condemns you to spending the all-important day in the least decorated room of the house! Rapunzel recommends: "Kaolinius!" If that fails, a shop to which we have close connections here on PotterWatch suggests a charming substance called –** (what? I can't say that on air! No way! Isn't it called anything else?! That's worse! All right, all right) **– called U-No-Poo. We are, I would like very much to add, NOT responsible for any product names mentioned in this broadcast-"**_

All on Harry's gold! And all I could do was walk out on him!

" _ **... to move on-"**_

Yeah. You go back and they've gone...

" _ **Two: embedded foreign objects! Rapunzel tactfully mentions small children experimenting here, although from personal experiences we would not exclude satsumas after family arguments. But whatever the cause, Rapunzel recommends: "Expulgio!" For the sake of those around you, please ensure the satsuma is pointed in a socially acceptable direction before firing."**_

That'll do. Death by flying satsuma.

" _ **Three: minor cuts and grazes! It is left entirely to your own imagination how you might acquire these, but we are sure the younger members of our audience will be able to think of some pretty original ideas. Rapunzel recommends: "Lavarius!" which will produce the cloud of stinging purple smoke everybody is familiar with from their Hogwarts days. If the cleaned wound is then larger than you had hoped, and we hope it is not, Rapunzel recommends applying a sheet of clean gauze using "Adhesio!" or re-joining the edges of a straight cut with "Suturo!" We would like to emphasise that this is not the same as the muggle remedy of 'Stitches' which Rapier beside me here assures you all is NOT a way to sew yourself back together."**_

Oh, Dad … what would you think of me...?

" _ **Four: hang-overs! With a remarkable display of will-power, Rapunzel recommends: Keeping The Bottle Corked. She adds that this is not always successful, a fact we will personally attest to, in which case try: "Coffeus!"**_

Think it'd work for gloom...?

" _ **Five: head-aches and sour tempers! The potential origins of these are legion-"**_

Try an ****ing Horcrux!

" _ **-but our sterling Rapunzel has the answer with: "Jollius!" which some of you may recognise as the most basic form of Cheering charm. There is a footnote to the effect that this must not be used too extensively or too frequently, or an impromptu karaoke party featuring awful skits of Celestina Warbeck songs will be the least of your worries..."**_

I never thought I'd be homesick for Celestina Warbeck songs! Like last Christmas – yeah, and I was already being an utter cad to Hermione, even then...

" _ **...and the final problem is-"**_

Me. That's the problem. Not fit to live, frankly.

" … _ **hang on …** (what do you think? Yes, I can see they're both crossed out! Oh, never mind) **… either 'tummy pains!' or 'eating too much!' The PotterWatch team is uncertain which phrase Rapunzel meant to use, as she has crossed both out, but we will assume they are the same problem. For these, Rapunzel recommends: "Pro-digestio!" or "Emeticus!" She has given no further details, but we think that for one of these, you might want to have a bowl handy before charming. Rapier further adds that his mother uses plenty of "Scourgify" charms on everything in the vicinity, including the patient, afterwards."**_

Now I'm homesick for Mum's cleaning charms! Ron Weasley!

" _ **...and finally, our next-"**_

" _... Ron's wand … the time he broke it … "_

WHAT WAS THAT?! HERMIONE?!

~:~:~:~


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